I Could Spend My Time Doing Better Things, But Why?

Saturday I stumbled across a funny blog in which are Barbara Cartland book covers with a light description and some comment by the blogger. I was googling Barbara Cartland because I have been trying to find one of her books for a long time now, and so when I can’t think of anything else to do on line, I google Barbara Cartland just to see if I will find it. And . . . I found all these BC books on one blog. So funny, because the blogger is pretty serious about it all. I just couldn’t resist, remembering my and my sisters’ sick attraction to BC over thirty years ago. We were embarrassed, and would laugh so hard at these books. I’ve not overcome it – I still am attracted to the book covers, but can’t read them. Just looking for that one elusive book, that I had some kind of weird thing for. I think it may be called “A Thief of Love” . It was one of her earlier books and had something to do with islands off England or Scotland. The guy kidnapped the spoiled rich girl. She flew airplanes. I can’t remember if he forced her to marry him, but he eventually let her go, realizing that she wasn’t going to ever love him. She went back to England and then I don’t remember what happened. Anyway, for some reason, it was the only BC book I could tolerate. And I wanted it, just as a memento. Not a mento.

But I wanted to show you the first 10 BC books in the Bantam series published in the U.S. for about $.95. Yeah, I think they were worth about$.95 in entertainment value. Just because of the hilarity they caused in our bedrooms. So here’s 1 – 10. Enjoy!

1 The Daring Deception - The plot of this book is the adventures of Perdita and Lord Melsonby who fall in love during dangerous times in Morocco. Morocco – just one of the exotic locales she used to draw readers in to her sub par writing goo. I’m trying not to say c__p anymore.

Somehow I cannot, for the life of me, remember what the heck went on in this book. I remember the picture, barely, and I have to ask myself what was happening so that Perdita, and this is just me assuming that the girl on the horse is Perdita, was wearing a diaphanous get-up to escape from a Moroccan town? Did she get caught with hash hish or did she have to get out of a harem , fast? Hmm, - not reading it to find out.

2 No Darkness for Love - The plot of this book is about a girl named Atalanta, who must choose between her cousin, Viscount Cottesford, or an impressionist painter named Paul! Oh my! Paul! Choose Paul - The Impressionist Painter! I wonder if she gets her portrait painted in the end?

3 The Little Adventure. This book is set in Paris during 1869 with the heroine, Corinna, who escapes her aunt's house and runs away to Paris, changing her name, and becoming a governess. What happens afterward is classic Cartland drama!

Yeah, typical sappy drama: she runs away because she’s beautiful with eyes too big for her face. He sees her and wants her even though she can’t speak without taking a breath between every word. He is stern, harsh even, a rake, and has a magnetic personality that she can’t resist. He finally gets her …….and…….. everything…… is……… perfect……….somehow……….even though…………he doesn’t ………..deserve……..her, …..for……she is………..an …………angel……..ARG! I CAN’T STAND IT!

4. Lessons in Love. The plot is that the heroine, Lady Marisa, is masquerading as a governess in the household of the Duke of Milverly in order to write an expose of the evils and corruption of Edwardian Society. (Yeah, who hasn’t wanted to do that?) During her time, she comes to care for the duke's daughter and love the duke. Read what happens when her cover is blown!

Again, I don’t remember this– at all. How could I forget it? What a plot, what excitement, what genius! BC – she did it again, literally. I mean she wrote the same plot again and again.

5. Journey to Paradise. This book is set in Mexico, one of 2, I believe that Cartland set in that locale. Kamala runs away from an arranged marriage and met up with Conrad (Conrad?)who is traveling to Mexico in search of diamonds. Barbara Cartland was a strict historian, so if she said that there are diamonds in Mexico, there are!

Not the dreaded arranged marriage plot. Either a heroine is escaping from one or decides to endure one and ends up falling in love in the end. I very much remember the cover of this book. I remember the parrot, plastic surgery looking Conrad with hand on knee, and that crazy soldier guy in the background and Kamala stepping through lush vines and palms in her amazingly poofy ballgown with posy in hand. Yes, We Can . . . all go on a Journey to Paradise with Barbara Cartland. Book my ticket now!

6 The Bored Bridegroom. The Marquis of Merlyn marries Lucretia because his father has ruined and sold off their estate and Lucretia is an heiress and marriage is a genius way to gain wealth at least for some Barbara Cartland heroes, and I use the term ‘hero’ very loosely.

What else was going on in this book? Looks like they were in France? Or were they at Waterloo? I don’t know, but I think that the Marquis has something wrong with his hip. First blonde hero, and again I use the term lightly, on a BC book cover by this illustrator. Don’t all these men look as if they have had plastic surgery? Is Lucretia wearing wooden shoes? I’m glad she’s wearing all her voluminous petticoats out to the field of battle. You never know when you’re going to have to tear one off and bandage a wounded soldier’s head – like that one behind her. But I think she can’t because her husband has to have her hold him up because of his hip. I guess he’s not so bored anymore.

7. The Penniless Peer It is about the hero, Lord Corbury, who comes home broke after fighting in the Napoleonic wars and meets up with his former neighbor, Fenella, (she must have popped a blood vessel thinking up that name) who concocts a daring plan to regain his fortune!

I think in the picture Fenella is pleading with him not to shoot her because her eyes are too big for her head. She’s trying to explain that she was born that way. Also don’t you think he should be shot for having such a long neck?

8. The Dangerous Dandy. This book is about Alina who is saved by Lord Dorrington, the hero, from an arranged marriage

. Because I don’t remember reading this book, but pretty sure I speed read it, I don’t know why there was a duel. Probably because Alina was innocent and pure and her eyes were too big for her head so the dangerous dandy Dorrington had to pull out his rapier? and make everyone stop making fun of her . Typical.

9. The Ruthless Rake. Syringa, the heroine, is wrongfully imprisoned because her friendship with Lord Rothingham threatens Lady Elaine, who trumps up the charges after he refuses to marry her.

I remember this book, mainly because of the really weird-looking old lady with Syringa’s clothes. Yeah, Syringa had to give up her clothes when she went to prison, but what the heck is that guy undoing her petticoat for? He looks like he’s all hands. Maybe this book should have been called Handy Mandy meets Syringa Dinga.

10 The Wicked Marquis. In the books, our heroine, Orelia, is under the lazy chaperonage of her cousin, Lady Caroline. See what happens when she finds out that the man she admires is engaged to her cousin!

I think Orelia is having a heart attack! Obviously the man is reading something she wrote and she’s either embarrassed or fearful. Embarassed because she’s writes like she speaks; I . . . think . . . your . . . pants . . . . make . . . . you . . . . . look . . . . like . . . . you . . . . have . . . . a . . . wide . . . . bottom! Or fearful that she didn’t get a good score on her spelling test and she just found out she misspelled her own name because she is just that sappy. I have to say, I was taken with this blue dress when I was 19, and maybe it’s just me, no I don’t think so, I agree with Orelia, those pants make his hips look fat. So, what was the plot of this book?

And now I’m going to make up some good names for BC heroines.

1. Tortila - this one will be about a girl who falls in love with King Bean.
2. Sharika – She has amazing vocal chords and goes to study opera in the Odious Opera Opus.
3. Ludikristy – She is raised by gypsies and saves her true love, the prince, from pirates during a volcano eruption and earthquake.
4. Fraudette – she tries to fool a Duke into thinking she is smarter than she is.
5. Porquita – this one is about a girl who is really 21 but can wear dresses the size of a small piglet.

Maybe I’ll post another ten tomorrow or the next day, if you're lucky!