Bad Mood + Funny Jokes = New Blog

Alan had carpl tunnl surgery on his left wrist today. He cannot lift anything heavy for several weeks. It shouldn't be too hard. Zack can put the wood in the fire and shovel snow and other things that need to be done. I went to the temple today. We were going to go together, but the chance for doing the surgery today came up, and if he didn't do it today, then it would be much later before he could get it done. The whole thing took much longer than we thought it would, and when we got home, we were both tired; Alan from the Anesthesia and me from sitting and dealing with rude people. I had to go into Wal-mart for Alan's perscription pain-killer. The girl who was waiting on me asked me for Alan's name. I said "B__m". Then she said "Birthdate." I couldn't think of his birthdate real fast and as I was giving her the birthdate, she said, "I need to see a driver's license." I told her the perscription was for my husband, and I didn't have his license. Then she looked at me like I was some kind of dimwit, and said in a very rude voice, "You're getting the perscription, I need to see your driver's license. I was shocked at her rudeness and before I knew what I was doing, I said, "That's fine, but you need to not be so snotty." For the rest of the time she was helping me, she really straightened up and became very helpful. The whole thing put me in a bad mood. When I got home, I picked up this joke book and laughed so hard at some of the jokes, I decided to put them out there for you.

David Letterman: "There's turmoil in the Middle East. There's always turmoil in the Middle East and it's having an effect here in New York City. I'll tell you what I'm talking about. I'm coming to work this morning in my cab and my cab driver receives news that he is now the new leader of Hamas."

Doctor/Psychiatrist Jokes "I think I'm a moth."
"I think you need a psychiatrist."
"I know."
"So why did you come in here to the gas station?"
"The light was on."

"Sir, I'd give you maybe three minutes to live."
"Isn't there anything you can do for me, Doctor?"
"Well, would you like me to boil you an egg?"

"Mrs. Larson, you're not going deaf in your left ear. You seem to have a suppository stuck in there.
"Well, now I know what happened to my hearing aid!"

Men/Women Jokes

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why do female black-widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Man: Very few things upset my wife, and it makes me feel special to be one of them.

Woman: My husband is on a new diet, he's losing five pounds a week. In a year and a half, I'll be rid of him completely.

Do you take off your glasses because you think it makes you look better?
No, because it makes you look better.

Her: I look in the mirror and it is so depressing. My face is all wrinkled, my legs are fat, my arms are flabby, and my behind is hanging out.
Him: Well, at least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

Lightbulb jokes
How many pessimists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Never mind, no one would get the joke anyway.

How many 16 year-olds does it take to change a lightbulb?
WhatEVER.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six.
Why?
It just does, okay?

And my personal favorites:
So this guy dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter takes him down the hall past a number of doors and then St. Peter stops and says, "You have to be very quiet going past that door. That's where the Mormons are, and they think they're the only ones here."

Woman: So give it to me straight,Doctor. I want to know the truth.
Doctor: Very well. Your husband is in terrible shape, and if you want him to live, you're going to have to make sure he's well fed and comfortable and happy at all times, and you're going to have to make love to him every day.
Woman: Every day?
Doctor: Everyday.
Husband: So what'd the doctor say?
Woman: He says you're going to die.

Well, anyway, They hit a funny spot in me.